Why am I up writing so early? This is a very good
question. I woke from a healing dream in which God forgave me for my past. I can
not even begin to describe the feeling right now. For so many years I have
struggled with self-worth and needing to be loved and accepted. This dream woke
me up and I feel called by God to share my real story of years of pain and
guilt. Yes, those are two words that describe my past eleven years of
suffering. Even my husband does not know these feelings I have locked away. The
truth is hard to admit but maybe another young woman could be helped.
When I was twenty years old and living in a college
dorm, I fell head over wheels for a man with Cerebral Palsy who had problems
speaking. These two links helped me feel that a man would love and accept me
for me. We pursued a relationship. This man could not eat by himself, so I fed
him. This man could not write, so I wrote his monthly checks out for him. I eventually
began to cook dinners for his man. I believed this man loved me. I put hours
and days of energy into trying to be the perfect house wife much too early in
my life. I gave more than what I received. I was the one giving respect to this
man and his family where respect meant nothing. I was the one who really acted
thirty one instead of twenty years old.
Several months passed and this man and I became
engaged. At this time I was twenty one and he was thirty two. By this time I absolutely
believed this man was in love with me. There was no doubt in my mind to believe
otherwise. Our wedding announcements had been mailed out, my white wedding
dress was being altered to fit my body, and everything seemed right. Not
everything really was right. Perhaps a part of me lived in a world that
romanticized things the way Arlene did. Something did happen during this time
that should have ended our upcoming wedding.
Before I met my ex-husband, he had lived in
Stillwater. Being able to live alone independently meant my ex-husband had to
rely on home health workers to help him with housework, take showers, run
errands, and meals. One young female in particular was someone my ex-husband
decided to get into contact with. My ex-husband had told me about the
relationship along with the work and moral ethics that were disrespected. At the
time I did realize that part. In modern times I am able to fully understand
this.
This young female worker was invited by my ex-husband
to stay overnight with him at his apartment. Keep in mind he and I were engaged
at the time. I spent time being upset and hurt about this situation. Since our upcoming
wedding had already been planned and probably paid for, I believed that
cancelling would have caused guests to be angry at me. I felt that cancelling
our wedding would be letting everyone down. No one would want to speak to me
again, and at the time, I would not have blamed them.
At the time I had an older female worker in my home
who was the going through the same situation with her boyfriend. One night she
came over to my home crying and upset. She discovered that her boyfriend had
been seeing escorts online and meeting them. The truth devastated her. So, she
moved out of him home and bought a nice small home. She painted this home and
created a new life for herself. She began to call me and tell me she was sick
and could not work. This became routine. I eventually discovered she was
addicted to Valium to cope with her grown daughter’s childish behavior along
with being scorned by a man.
Why did I stay in the relationship and continue the
marriage? This is one answer I have never been able to find. I suffered an
increase in weight because I was only seen as a sex object. My self-esteem
lowered. I suffered from loneliness and isolation because we moved away from
the safety net of my hometown soon after our marriage. Every decision we made
was to satisfy my ex-husband’s needs. Everything seemed to be about him or his
dysfunctional family.
I have learned that letting go of somebody is the best
thing can ever happen to a woman. What if I had never decided to speak to this
man in the beginning? For one, I would never have put a man before my studies college.
As a result of this, I would have been more focused and learned more fine
literature earlier on in my life. Second, I would have been true to myself and
had more self-worth. I was not true to my moral beliefs or upbringing. I felt
as if I had to give more of myself in order to be loved and accepted by a man. Third,
I would never have been a weak woman for selling myself short. I sold myself
short because I overlooked several clues that would have ended our
relationship.
I experienced a powerful dream this morning that may seem
normal to several people. For me, this dream represented empowerment of the
woman. In this dream, I was in my younger years living with parents and I supposed
to go on a date with a boy. The parents were going to take me to his family’s
house for the evening, and they would return me home. I don’t know how this boy
and I wound up at a camp for the day but somehow we did. I was going somewhere
and he stuck behind at the cabins to watch a movie with another girl. I trusted
him. So, I went somewhere and came home to discover this boy resting his hands
on this girl’s legs. This girl seemed to be comfortable. I decided to cancel
the date with the boy.
The boy wound up being spanked several times on his
bottom. By who? I do not know. The entire dream is weird. I felt a sense of
closure. I felt good knowing I stood up for the woman. In this dream I trusted
my gut instinct when things felt wrong. I really did not care what happened to
this boy next. I took care of myself and divorced my feelings and self from the
situation. The door to this boy ever hurting me further was slammed and double
bolted. This feeling is something I have never felt before. I love this feeling
of not being vulnerable.
As I am reminded of this, I also remember these next
few days will be the last days of taking Phentermine. What a blessing this has
been. This journey has taken me far more travels than I have ever imagined
possible. Old wounds have been healed up. I no longer feel ashamed to express
myself or wear new clothes that form new definitions of womanhood. As of this
week, I am able to fit into medium size shirts. I have gone through clothes in
the closet that no longer fit. I am going to be given size fourteen jeans by
somebody today. I am happy to work out in the daytime and be able create a new
life for myself.
What is my purpose in life? This is a question several
people struggle with. I have struggled with this question for years. I have
learned from literature to not continue to romanticize people or situations. I used
to romanticize everything and only see the good side. I have come to learn
there are bad sides to things and being in denial will never make me face the
violins. I have learned to speak up for myself and other women. I have learned
how to become proactive instead of passive. I have learned to become liberal
and shed the bondage that holds me back from thinking outside the box. My purpose in life is to serve God
first. From there, I can carry out my daily responsibility of educating
other women (and men) and write about living with a physical disability. Since I am a married woman and mother of a
small Chihuahua, I also take on those roles as well.
When I rolled in World Religion in June of 2011, I never
realized how much these founders of our world religions would impact my own
life. Buddha stands out in my mind as somebody I can relate to. Before Buddha
began his Eight Fold Path, the man Sidhhartha Gautama lived in a royal palace. From
an early age, Gautama’s father shielded him from reality. In a way, Gautama
resided in a bubble of being surrounded by people who were well and healthy,
positive influences, and no suffering. As an adult, this debilitated the man.
The
man became subjected to death, pain, and suffering. The reality made the man
feel discomfort. The man did not have prior experience with being around so
much pain, suffering, and oppression. The man left his palace, wife, and child
to discover the true self.
One thing I can say about Gautama is that he would
have probably never survived my courses in English literature, American
literature, or Women’s American literature! I could never have survived without
Dr. Pepper in my life at the time. What Gautama and I experienced shaped us that led us to our desire of becoming better in this world. We wanted to find our way. We wanted to
find out positive ways on how to cope with suffering, oppression, alienation,
and devastation. The difference between Gautama and me is his way of coping
does not satisfy my discovery. By leaving everything and everyone behind,
Gautama created more problems. The wife and son were abandoned. Gautama’s role
as a prince was put on hold. Gautama made people who loved him worry about him.
When I read real stories in literature, I was able to
cope and write about the conflicts. A few stories almost sent me over the edge,
I will admit. Some stories disgusted me. Some poems about the wars (particularly
Allen Ginsberg) were too graphic. Some stories published early on were ahead of
their time. Sometimes I did feel like giving up. When I slept at night and
cried over stories, my husband laughed at me. He had never met another person
who took literature to heart.
One thing I have learned in this life is that running
away is not the answer. Running away will only create more problems. I did not
run away from my marriage at the age of twenty-two. I saved myself from winding
up dead too early from self-destruction. There are critics of divorce as there
are critics of marriage. I am a critic of my own divorce. I still can not
describe the feelings afterwards. I would be just in equating a divorce to a
death, only there is no funeral procession. My first marriage should have never
taken place. I wish I had trusted my gut instinct. Even though I can never
erase my past, I can teach other women about this. Hopefully other women will
pay attention to their true selves and have the courage to slam their doors
with double or triple bolts. A woman’s education should come first during her
early years.
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