Amanda-Leigh's Awakening

I do not recommend texting friends “Good night” while under the influence of Sonata. I did, however, last night. I was on an emotional high after discovering I had lost a total of thirty pounds since November. The good thing was I did not text anything dumb or misspell any words. The bad thing was my typing fingers became slower with each letter. As one great writer once wrote, “Parting is such sweet sorrow!”

So is waking up to a new world. Today is my Renaissance. To be more exact, today is Amanda-Leigh’s Renaissance.  Mrs. Edna Pontellier, from Kate Chopin’s novel, The Awakening, experienced an awakening. An awakening is synonymous with a renaissance, a revival, and an awareness. I added the latter two analogies. I do not believe a revival should only take the form of a religious event. Rather, I believe a revival should be in the same literary respect of an awareness. These should be branches of an awakening. When Kate Chopin wrote about an awakening, this story brought an awareness to other female adults who may not have been aware their own bodies. Other women needed to be aware they were more capable of living the absolute role placed on their gender. When Mrs. Pontellier learned how to swim in the water, she became a changed woman. She became a completely new woman.

This awakening did lead to Mrs. Pontellier’s downfall. Even though I am bringing this novel up to use as a comparison, this does not mean I am a fan of the novel. Quite the contrary! I am not a fan of an arrogant husband whose words brings tears to his wife and accuses her of being a terrible mother. I am not a fan of a wife and mother who selfishly decides to have a female friend watch her own children so she can spend time with a man who is not her husband. I was, however, proud of this mother for deciding to purchase her own house and get involved in the arts. This, too, came with a price. When Mrs. Pontellier decided to fully awaken herself to the world, she sent her own children to spend time with her relatives. When I believed Chopin would not disappoint me as a reader, the ending became dignified with the suicide of this wife and mother.

As a reader, what did I miss? Can Mrs. Pontellier be defined as a heroine? Can I consider Mrs. Pontellier’s suicide be considered dignified? What other options were available to women? Comparing this heroine to Edith Wharton’s story “Autre Temps,” there is no predictable ending to this either. At the end, the heroine realizes mankind is just as mean and judgmental as flesh. Does this heroine commit suicide as well? This is the part of literature that drives me insane. Being left with no absolute answer is like a young male leaving his girlfriend with no promise of tomorrow. We both stand on a safe wooden porch praying for that tomorrow to come.

This morning I did not take Phentermine the way I usually do. Yesterday was the last day. I wrote my fears out yesterday morning. I felt more peaceful inside afterward. One of the requirements for being admitted to the Bone and Joint Hospital along with the J.D. McCarty Center was to be pictured of me standing up straight with only underwear on. I remember that picture very well even though I have not seen it in decades. Perhaps this image is why I have felt violated and not been successful with losing weight.

I gave away something that was special. My body should have been clothed fully but it was not. Who saw my photo? This is something I will never know, and I really do not wish to know. This still bothers me. Each morning I try to teach other women how to become stronger and not become preys to the evils of our society. A girl and woman’s body is not something to be given away for any purpose. I want other women to realize they do have rights. Their voice should be loud and clear.

I am trusting God to continue to lead me on the path to righteousness. Over the last three months, I have dealt with several issues. Weighing 189 pounds is not something I want to go back to. I had rashes on my body in the summer. That was the main reason I decided to lose weight. I also believed I deserved a chance to become successful. My husband believed in me.

When a person is overweight, the world loses the romantic image of being starry eyed with roses. In my late teenager years, people at school and church told me not eat so many cookies and stop eating so much desert. I escaped through literature and began eating more food. During my last IEP meeting in high school, one of the women brought up the subject of my weight again. I did not feel like I could walk out of the interview. I wanted to and I should have. I am able to realize that the subject of my weight is nobody else’s business. I am the only one who is responsible for my weight. I will not be a punching bag for anybody’s callous remarks or rudeness. I spent years in isolation because these thoughts were spoken instead of remaining inside somebody else’s head where they belonged. I spent years paying for other people’s cruel words.

I encourage anybody who feels this way to walk away. Don’t sit back and let people use you as their personal punching bags. Don’t say “I’m fine” when you are in emotional pain. Give yourself permission to fight back. Give yourself a strong voice in this world. You are your own advocate. Don’t let somebody else’s power run your life. Also practice what you preach and stick to this. Don't make apologies for being yourself. Be your own independent man or woman. Don't be ashamed of yourself or your own body. God created you in His own image. There is nobody else in this world who is quite like you! This is a precious gift to us. I do encourage you to use this gift wisely and not settle for anything you do not believe in or support. 

These lessons are what I have learned over the past three years. Internal strength originates from God alone. When God created Eve as a companion for Adam, networking began. Understanding began. Empathy began. Justice began. Everything that did not make sense in this world began to make sense and missing links to puzzle pieces were provided. God provided mankind with an awakening. This awakening has lasted until 2013. I don’t see this awakening ending any time soon.

I do have a personal philosophy. This may seem a bit cruel. For this, I offer no apologies either. If somebody did not like me yesterday, there is a pretty good likelihood that somebody will not like me tomorrow. I try to live right by following the traditional Protestant doctrines, be a good wife, mother, daughter, and friend, and do right in this world. If somebody happens to dislike me for whatever reason, at first I do feel sad. After a few days of mourning the loss, I realize this is not going to prevent me from being happy and continuing to be the creation God wants me to be.

Sometimes I do think about what people have told me when I was overweight. People can be very cruel with their words. But, I have also come to realize that words are just that. Words become like rotten apple cores that go back in the ground. Someone else’s hurtful words are not my ruler in this world. God is. The mouths originating from these cruel words were faithful attendants of churches in one of the five main religions. This is probably the saddest thing I have come to realize during my awakening. The people we love the most and admire the most will hurt us the most.  I am not a fan of stones being cast in my direction due to my weight problems. I would rather have been helped and loved than be brought to shame from my own people.

I close this morning with feelings of rejoice. God provided me with a weight loss medication for the last three months. I have learned how to eat less, exhibit discipline with working out daily, and loving myself the way I should.  For years, I have let the past control my life. I realize this is not the way I want to live my life. I will not be a slave to mankind’s cruel words. I will not subject my body to the public for any reason. I will not follow anyone else’s teachings except the Gospel. There is no greater love than God. This is what I have come to learn. In “How I Went to Service,” Louisa May Alcott also discovers a disgust with mankind. We are bosom buddies in a literary sense. We know that mankind with disappoint us but God never will. In God, we must firmly trust and believe.