Amanda-Leigh and Stability

  I have found stability in my housing situation. My husband and I have renewed our lease. This means we will be living at the same address for three years. I do not have the fight-flight survival response anymore. The more I have written, the more I have expressed those feelings of hurt, sadness, and being unstable in my past. That was my past, and as I have mentioned, I moved around a lot. Stability and I were complete strangers.

Being a complete stranger to stability is not a good feeling to have. There was a fight-flight response that always needed to be on guard. When I look at the new woman in the mirror wearing sparkling earrings my husband bought me for my birthday, I feel older. When I thank God for the kind-hearted lady who brought over two full boxes of medium and small size clothes to wear, I feel extremely blessed. There is no fighting from neighbors at night anymore. I feel safe going outside again. I am not being taken advantage of by a corporation anymore.

Having stability is important for any person. One thing I love about being stable now is being optimistic. I do not feel the need to hide behind a pseudonym of misguidance. I relate a pseudonym to my love of literature. When I was overweight, men looked at my chest as though I was a sex object. This made me want to eat more. Why couldn’t men show respect and meet my eyes? This realization makes me want to advocate more each day for women. Women should not be seen as a sex object but rather one of the most beautiful musical instruments our world can ever meet.

Last night, my husband and I discussed an incident that happened a year ago. We had not met Luigi yet, I don’t believe. We were invited out to dinner with our former counselor and his wife. When we were safe inside the counselor’s wife’s car, our counselor called her to say he was bringing a young man with Cerebral Palsy. Since my husband and I were their guests, we did not know what to do. During the dinner, this guy started at my chest. My husband noticed. I even noticed. As I ate, I would have a creepy feeling the guy was watching me. When I looked up, I was right. His eyes were right on me. This sent me back for more food to be able to cope. This was a terrible feeling for me.

Since this incident happened, I was able to graduate from college, lose over thirty pounds, and find a college to graduate from with my Bachelor of Arts in English. I am not running anymore. I am not afraid of succeeding. I am embracing the field of literature with wide open arms. I am going to become somebody in literature. When I think about literature and read works by the greats, I don’t feel like the disabled side of me. I feel the non-disabled side shining bright in my life. Literature is the airplane I have prayed for. I am able to soar high above this world into worlds that were created by great men and women of our past. This is a great feeling.

Entrapment has flown out the window as far as I am concerned. When I am inside my home, I feel a fire I had for typing biology notes, making sense of different music voices and styles, and reflect fondly on past literature courses. When I go to Hastings, I am able to see that woman looking up biographies of great composers and writing over their lives. This is worth stability. I don’t feel entrapped anymore. I am wined and dined by the voices of the greats. I have succumbed to the masterpieces of literature.

I breathe literature. I have literature in my wet bones. I think of literature in my sleep. I wake up to literature. Literature is a part of me that I do not ever wish to run from again. Literature provides me with personal happiness. Literature has changed my perspective on life. Literature has changed the woman I have become. The great female writers have made me value stability.

God gave me a unique voice. Granted, I am unable to speak in complete sentences. I am able to have a voice through typing and literature. This voice is not going to leave me anytime soon by my choice. What I am hoping to gain from taking more literature courses is more knowledge on the writing process. I am not a vain woman. I may have learned how to weave different pieces of literature in Women’s Literature, but I believe there are more things I can learn about the writing process. I want the writing process to help me with submitting research to literary magazines and anthologies. Most important, I want to be hired by somebody who will give me a chance.

On this rainy and cold morning, I do reflect back to last February when my husband and I met this guy in a wheelchair. What would I say to this guy today if I saw him? I do not believe I need to say anything to this guy. He said nothing to my husband the entire time we ate. This guy reminds me too much of my ex-husband. This is the reason I must walk away from the guy if I was to see him in public. I am not that woman anymore. I have become stronger because he made me weak. That weakness was ugly and degrading to the cheerful spirit of womanhood. Today I have stability because my husband provided the medicine I needed as an early Christmas present in mid-November. Nobody can take this away from me. I refuse to let that happen. Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Meridel LeSeuer, Virginia Woolf, Mary Wollstonecraft, and my four grandmothers in heaven would be disappointed in me giving everything up. This is why I fight to become stronger each day.

After going out on Friday, I refuse to go in stores in February. Why? I feel tempted to sin again. All of the Valentine’s Day cookies and candy will not get me to my weight goal. I have the chocolate Peanut Butter Crunch Slim-Fast bars and chocolate Slim-Fast shakes I need to continue straight ahead. I have given up caffeine three month ago along with sweets and foods that contain high levels of fat. I can never give up chocolate! That would be one big sin! The day I do give up chocolate will probably be the death of me.

Today is going to be a great day in spite of this cold weather. With great books, exercise, and prayer, nothing will go wrong. Perhaps this cold weather is the obstacle from tempting me into sin with foods. If so, I can have more content. Somebody from above must be watching over me carefully. This angel has definitely earned his or her wings. There is always hope. I believe so. In God, we must trust. 

I love my chocolate!!