A month has passed since I have written on here. My first priority
is to serve God in any way possible. My second priority is to keep the marital
flames sparking on the home front. My third priority is to educate men and
women of my modern society. Combined, these priorities help me stay busy and
active. I have a few weeks left until college begins for summer. Everything has
been on my mind lately.
I want to let my readers know I am doing better now. During my absence,
much has happened. Things in my neighborhood were slowly getting back to normal
after my neighbor’s parents moved their son out. After I wrote my last piece,
all havoc broke loose. Another neighbor began having early morning arguments
and shady guests visiting our area. This created anxiety for my husband and me.
We began to argue more due to the negative environment along with one of my
husband’s medicine.
My husband stopped attending Celebrated Recovery. After my husband
was told to keep everything from me in the form of progress, he decided to stop
attending the meetings. One day, my husband approached me to help him with a
piece of homework. I provided my husband with some thoughts to jot down. I never
read what my husband wrote in his books. In fact, I began to feel my husband
slipping away from our marriage. I was home alone the night of Easter. I was
home alone on Sunday and Thursday nights. I did not feel as if I had an active
role in my husband’s life anymore. I began to felt like Nora in “A Doll’s
House.”
I believe in full honesty in a marriage. No man should be telling a
group of men things he cannot tell his own wife. When my husband took me before
God, he promised to honor me. This means my husband provides me with anything
he feels I should be aware of in his life. I am aware of everything surrounding
his mental illness, from the terrible voices in his head to the Jehovah Witness
nightmares. My husband credits me with having the mind to rationalize for us what
should happen. Withholding important information within a marriage is a selfish
act of mankind that should be stopped. A wife is to provide ideas and thoughts
that will benefit a marriage.
The step we have taken to help our marriage blossom has been
counseling. This was a mutual decision. If a patient does not leave an office
with tears at first, the counseling session must not be effective. As I partook
in the intake process, there were questions over suicide. Did I ever feel
suicidal in my life? Yes. Did I have a history of suicide in my genes? Yes. Did
I have a history of depression in my genes? Yes. Where were the “no” questions
at? I will admit, I did have the normal flighty response at first. But, I never
thought of food or drinking a Dr. Pepper to help me survive the intake process.
This is something I can honestly discuss.
Normally, when I think of the subject of suicide, I feel like
eating more. This is the most uncomfortable topic to discuss aloud and with
anybody. You get stereotyped as being insane if you open up about suicide along
with how suicide affects other people. This is a socially taboo subject. The
truth is that suicide hurts many people. How many people have been affected by
suicide?
In literature, suicide for women was the only available option. Women
were morally unfit for society if they sought a divorce. Husbands were able to
beat their wives, cheat on their wives and bring home venereal diseases that
made their wives suffer, and divorce only in the Biblical form, which was
committing adultery. Therefore, these women were oppressed and suffered greatly
at the hands of bondage for the Church of England. These women were unable to
become liberated through education. Pioneer women like Elizabeth Cady Stanton,
Catherine Beecher, and Louisa May Alcott were fortunate enough to be taught in
the luxury of their inner circles. These women found an outlet besides suicide.
Suicide was not an option for their lives.
I do not believe suicide is an option for my life. God delivered me
from blood clots twice in my past. I was provided with the opportunity to go
back to college and graduate. I will be going back for more literature and
humanity parties. There is too much to live for than to be empowered by
suicide. I do not want to be empowered by a concept. I want to outrun suicide
the way Forrest Gump outlived his braces as a child. I want to feel like a
radiant dove with depression locked inside a glass window the way the J.D.
McCarty swimming was in 1985. I want more in this world than to be defined by
these conservative roles of womanhood. Strong men and women of literature and
the arts have taught me this. And, from childhood the lyrics, “He’s still
working on me” is right. Not a day passes where I do not feel God working on
me. This is a great feeling to have and share. My strong and wonderful “sheroes”
are great enough to share!
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