Amanda-Leigh and "The Open Boat"

I feel much better after previously expressing my thoughts on my marriage. I was able to have a sense of identity again. That is a wonderful feeling to experience. Everything I have experienced since the year 2010 has drifted me into feelings of alienation the male literary characters share in Stephen Crane’s short story “The Open Boat.” Not a character jumps to his death in the water. Each day is a new adventure of survival. There are signs of hope along the water and land. The process of being rescued seemed to take forever. I am sure the Bible would estimate this time frame as forty years. Forty years would be fitting considering there was no hope at times.

“The Open Boat” does not share any hints as to where the crew has come from or where they are going. The dialogue is dry and not really lively. The focus is centered on getting from Point A to Point B. There is no actual center. There is no way to identify with a character or his or her interaction in their world. There is no way of knowing whether the character is struggling with the soul searching process of who he or she is. As readers, we do not know. We do not know how these characters relate to their environments. We do not know what challenges these characters face on a daily basis. From this story, we do not know the characters struggles of living outside of an open boat. Would having more knowledge hurt the story or help the story?

As I reflect on “The Open Boat,” I am able to think about my own life. How did I get into an open boat? How did the waters wash up my personal happiness for the past three years? I am unable to understand where I went wrong as a wife. There are times when I feel like breaking down crying. The pain of hurt and disappointment make me feel like a crushed rose. There are days when I do not want to deal with everything that is happening. There are days when I wish I could sit in my closet and cry all day instead of forcing myself to step outside to be happy and not feel like an ugly duckling. What bad thing did I do to deserve so much hurt?

Right now, I feel powerless about my situation. I am not able to move forward with my life and happiness until I move out. When I move out, I hope to feel so much better. I will not feel stuck anymore. I will no longer be confined to an uncomfortable role. When I use uncomfortable, I am referring to feeling like someone I am not. I am not a mother to anybody except a Chihuahua who was abandoned. I will no longer feel alienated. I will no longer be stuck in my home during bad weather. I will feel safer in my new place. I won’t feel hopeless anymore. I will be rescued the way the crew was from “The Open Boat.”

Amanda-Leigh and Moving Out

As I write this morning, I reflect on something my husband told me about a week ago. when he looks at his friends page, he wanted to have what they have. I am assuming my husband meant having the American dream every man wants. To me, this also meant my husband was not completely satisfied with me in our marriage. I do not really know what his comment was referring to. What I do know is pretty clear and to the point. I will be moving into a new place in a week or two. This decision was not what I saw in the future when we married three years ago.

Three years have passed. Four days into our marriage, my husband began a series of medicine changes. He also underwent Electroshock Therapy. Before the ECT treatments, my husband was a sweet and loving person to be around. We would go around to different stores and feel happiness. He would pick out romantic cards for me and treated me nice. I enjoyed being around my husband in the beginning.

In the middle of our marriage, emergency room visits and hospital stays dominated our marriage. Everything good collapsed. When I say collapse, I mean that my hospital stays and his mental health clashed like vinegar and oil. After I had my hysterectomy at the Health Plex in Norman, we argued inside my hospital room. A divorce was expressed. A divorce never happened though. I had enough to deal with recovering from the surgery. I did not need that added stress.

In the end, as I reflect on my marriage, I believe in my heart that moving out of our marital home is the best decision. I am still experiencing health problems. I have to be seen by a gastrointestinal specialist towards the end of August. My doctor wants me to have a scope done to find the source of the pain. I also have poison ivy on my body. That is not pleasant. And, I am moving out as I have mentioned before.

I mention moving out so many times. Maybe I am trying to convince that everything will be okay and don’t need to scared. Moving out is not a sign of weakness. This is a sign of strength. I will no longer be criticized for drinking Dr. Pepper or eating foods that will not get me to my weight goal. I will no longer have to worry if someone else really loves me. I will no longer feel trapped in a web that has no holes.  

As I filled out paperwork to move out, I entered into the commitment a bit scared and nervous. I did not wish to be judged nor did I wish my husband to be judged. I really do appreciate prayers and love. This road has not been easy. I have been disappointed and hurt in my marriage. What other people do not know is everything that happens behind closed doors. I do not express everything that happens behind closed doors. Only those who are closest to me need to know and do know.

Women in our society are taught to suffer in silence and not speak up. We are taught to pray our marriages work out. We are not told, “I will be praying for your happiness as God works on you.” We are taught to suck things up the way men do. We are taught to stay in the home or we will be judged. Who really wants to be judged?  Who wants to be gossiped about? Nobody does and nobody should be. We have enough to deal with in the home and do not need to be crushed by the ones who loves us the most. Being open comes with a cost for us; therefore, we must be silent or risk losing everybody.

I only have a few more things to pack. Hopefully I will get a phone call soon. I am prepared to deal with the phone call the way a loved one responds to a corrections officer when he or she delivers bad news. For this situation, I have had time to prepare for the bad news. I could have lost my husband to death after a terrible incident happened in Norman. I believe that a police officer coming to our home to deliver the news that my husband had died would have been worse for me to handle. That was something I never wanted to deal with. Nobody should.