Amanda-Leigh and the Princesses of the Round Table

Good Friday morning from Amanda-Leigh! This has been one busy week from Oklahoma legislation. A law prohibiting smoking in public places was passed. The Governor stated that schools should not be required to build storm shelters. This statement comes days after tornadoes blew through towns in Oklahoma. Since I am not a political person by heart, I will only state my fact. Realism in literature is much easier to cope with than realism in real life situations.

With that being written, I will admit that I have been suffering from depression for the last two days. What is going on? I believe reality has finally caught up with me. For months, I was excited about beginning college to work on my BA. When I search for employment, nobody will give me a chance. Nobody will take me seriously because of my speech difficulty. For anybody who thinks I have self-pity, this is far from the truth. I am not the only person with a physical disability that has doors slammed in her face. We want and deserve more. We wish to be financially independent. We wish to provide clothes and basic necessities for our families with our own money. We wish to have the American dream.

I am back to square one with the princesses of the round table. How did Queen Esther save the Jews? How did Mary have the strength to weep for her son being crucified? How did Catherine Beecher begin teaching? How did Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton have the fighting power to win equality for African American and female citizens? With so much debris plaguing inside of me, I wish someone with the strength of Hulk Hogan would knock the debris away so I can think more clearly. I am frustrated at this point.

One of my prayers was answered this week. My husband began working yesterday. He works on Thursday through Sunday part time. My husband is grateful to be able to work at all. He applied at several places in our town. Several employers would promise to call or e-mail replies on their decisions. I would watch my husband be disappointed by broken promises. Getting angry at the employers were not worth my time. In the end, a few businesses have lost our service. We were loyal customers at one place. After this, I don’t feel the need to go back. There are several other places to go and try out.

I am truly appreciative of the power of prayers and the great people behind them. God works in mysterious ways. I have always believed this. This is my down time. I don’t know which path to take. I have to be careful and not move in some directions for my cyst to not hurt. I am able to work out after taking Aleve. I am able to go places in my electric wheelchair as long as I am tilted back. I am able to read fine literature and dream of dancing. I am able to write. I am able to dress my husband up before he goes to work. I am able to sleep at night and wake up refreshed in the morning.

Amanda-Leigh and Virginia Woolf's The Voyage Out (Part I)

This is the morning I would have begun summer courses. I have had time to pray about the situations last week. I felt powerless and empty after receiving the phone call from my nurse about the cyst along with the fact that I did not apply for Financial Aid for the summer semester. Being in such a vulnerable state was not easy for me. This vulnerable state took me back to Emergency Room visits where blood clots were discovered and life had to be put on hold.

As a thirty-three old woman, I don’t feel that life should be put on hold any longer than necessary. I am not in my twenties anymore where depression controlled my existence. I would rather direct my positive energy towards reading, exercising, writing, and recovering. For me, the Fall semester begins on August 12. I have from now until that date to enjoy summer. I don’t want to live for pain and suffering. I have to make each day memorable. Years from now, this cyst on my kidney will seem small compared to what this summer will hold. I want treasures. I want to write about readings and research on subjects that interest me. This is meat on the bone. I want to look back on my writings and share them in years to come.

I am getting back into reading literature again. The first book of summer is The Voyage Out by Virginia Woolf. In the beginning chapter, one thing I notice from The Voyage Out is the color yellow describes the setting and mood. The mood is not too pleasant for Mrs. Helen Ambrose, who ventures on a voyage with her husband, Ridley. What good and caring mother leaves her own children behind? This thought of mine is expressed by the blunt words of Mrs. Clarissa Dalloway in a following chapter. In the beginning, I don’t view Mrs. Ambrose or Mrs. Dalloway as being productive members of their society the way of Rachel Vinrace. Rather, I view the married women in more of a negative light. At least Mrs. Dalloway tries to reach out to Rachel in the beginning.

Music and literature have always been an expression of  Rachel. After Rachel's mother's passing, Mr. Willoughby did his best to provide Rachel with a rich informal education. In the beginning chapters, Rachel’s talent of playing the piano is silently criticized by Mrs. Ambrose. In Mrs. Ambrose’s mind, playing the piano will spoil her niece’s chance of becoming a proper lady who should want to marry a proper man. The field of art is not considered being productive to Mrs. Ambrose. The field of art can be considered an idle act for a young lady to partake in. This train of thought comes from Woolf’s society where men held positions in the British Parliament. Men wrote literature, music, and painted. Women were to married off from their Father’s houses and raise a family. There was no equality in the arts for aspiring young women like Rachel.

As I read The Voyage Out, the more I feel a desire to read books on the British Parliament, the Torreys, and the English, I would like to have a better understanding of British society and history. I would also like to join the Virginia Woolf Society in England one day. With this being written, I am grateful things worked out in literature’s favor. I am interested in seeing where literature takes me this summer; what skies I lay under; and whose shoes I step into. Yes, my dear readers, life is good. Life is too good for pain. Getting lost in fine literature and great music are to be treasured. Writing this down also helps.